Are You Man Enough?
*This is a long one...hope it’s worth your time to read*
DISCLAIMER: In no way shape or form am I excusing or trying to minimize men’s abuse towards women. Their struggles do not weigh the same as ours and don’t need the same amount of attention. However, I don’t believe this means that all men should be cast as the enemy. This piece is to simply point out that we’re not addressing the full equation.
“Be a man, do the right thing.”
“Man up!”
How many times do we hear or use these phrases everyday? You’ve definitely used them more than you think. These phrases sound like they’re empowering for men and will encourage them to reach their potential of “manliness”, but do they really? I’ve carelessly used those phrases before without thinking, usually in response to a guy being scared of doing something I think he should be able to do/say, and have realized how I’ve been contributing to a toxic environment of masculinity. The definition of “masculinity” has been so rigid, with society offering little room for interpretation of the word. We’ve made up this human construct over time and its unforgiving nature has negatively influenced how men view women and themselves. Being in the education field, I’m wired to always think about how these social concepts are conceived at a young age and how we can improve the social emotional development of the next generation to prevent immoral behaviors and rewrite the “boys will be boys” destructive narrative.
Alison, why do you care about this? I know I’m not a dude and don’t face the fears of being teased for wanting to cry about an issue. I don’t have to be 5 7” and up or muscular just to be considered more “date-able”. I don’t have to lose my virginity before 21 to be seen as “man”. I’m not expected to be less afraid of rejection because of the standards in the dating game.
I care because it hurts to see my friends unable to authentically express themselves with their “bros”, or frankly anyone. I care because I don’t believe “all men ain’t shit” and know some A+ guys with good hearts. I care because men need to be told that there are more ways than one to be a man. I believe that when men begin to embrace their “feminine” qualities and redefine the “masculine” ones, we’ll see lower male suicide rates and fewer struggling with depression. We’ve neglected to tackle the roots and breeding ground of these men we’re trying to fight against. Instead of creating an “anti-male” culture, what if we worked together to reach a higher level of humanity?
Please don’t ever think for one second I’m excusing sexual assaults, street harassment, fuccboi behavior, or any other sort of abuse committed by men towards women. It all deeply disgusts me. These acts are all results of poisonous messages that men have been fed, taught and led to believe are acceptable. Behaviors of getting women, “having a piece of that”, enforcement of submissiveness, have all been glorified in the media and entertainment for as long as anyone can remember. Men have been taught to be domineering, to have a toxic allegiance to one another, to reject any qualities that embody the other, and disregard women as equals. Men are bred in this environment, some thriving and protected within it, others suffering silently and waiting for permission to express their true struggles.
Why do we need to bother helping men? We need to engage and help them because a huge proponent of masculinity is to disregard anything associated to femininity. Respecting women and being a “feminist” is seen as weak because that’s losing your masculinity badge of staying on top. I want to bridge the gap between us, to strengthen the initiative of rewiring men’s conception of masculinity, and respect each other as human beings. Men need to learn to embrace their qualities they’re told are feminine. Then, be willing to stand up against other men, champion for and learn from the women who embody these underappreciated qualities.
I’ve grown up hanging around guys, and feel completely comfortable being the only girl with a group of dudes. I’ve been present during “locker room talks”, but I’ve also listened to them share about their insecurities and reflections on failed relationships with each other. Having had close relations to guys on both ends of the spectrum, I decided to ask a few about how they felt about masculinity and listened to their stories. If we want to see any sort of change, we need to identify all the pieces in play and slowly but surely, find solutions for each one of them. (keeping these answers anonymous as I promised)
What does masculinity mean to you?
Masculinity is the struggle to be recognized by all as the alpha – to be able to protect your own territory and ideals. It’s to reign in dominance by being outwardly strong physically, mentally, and psychologically.
I think of stereotypical masculine traits like being powerful, aggressive, a leader, outspoken, physically big, tall, muscular, athletic.
Masculinity is a structure of power in the sense that it is a site of meaning-making wherein ideas of appropriate "manly" behaviorism are made and un-made. It is relational - in close dialogue to femininity - as it forms and reforms itself vis-a-vis ideas of femininity.
Masculinity means to be strong and sacrificial.
To be strong - less insecure, fearful, responsible and dutiful.
An obvious common thread through these answers is that there needs to be a display of strength, dominance, and security. Don’t get me wrong, these are all great qualities to have, but this seems to be the only way to be identified as manly. Women have been encouraged to exhibit these qualities to break our stereotypes, with conscious efforts to make space for women in the business/STEM areas and positions of power. Yet, I haven’t seen many TV roles showing men as stay-at-home dads, or the skinnier artsy guy being straight. Men are not encouraged to think masculinity is multi-faceted, and are scared of being ostracised as “gay” when they do. Our society’s homophobia is another major factor pushing men to closet their feelings and overcompensate their manliness to hide the insecurities they really face and judgement from other men.
When do you think you have to overcompensate “manly” behavior in order to be seen as such? What does that look like?
I have to be more accomplished than the girl in terms of intelligence, career, life is more put together, because girls look down on guys who don't know what they're doing. It would make me insecure/uncomfortable if a girl is more smarter and capable than me.
Mostly at bars. When guy friends are picking up girls and getting numbers I feel that people view me as less of a man if I don't also engage in that type of behavior
I feel pressured during the typical locker room talk about how many girls you have had sex with, or when did you first lose your virginity, who are you seeing right now. It makes me feel uncomfortable that you will be judged as a man depending on what you say during that discussion...masculinity means that we cannot get attached and develop romantic feelings with women.
Around girls I'm trying to impress. Usually I'll try extra hard to perpetuate the image that exemplifies my definition of masculinity.
The overcompensation is often what leads to the toxic environment men become trapped within. A guy may talk more about himself on a date because he’s trying to prove all his specifications that he assumes the woman cares about - career, intelligence, wealth, fearlessness, being a leader. A guy who may not like to talk about women based on their physicality, but is in a group chat of 7 dudes who do, will find it very difficult to speak up against their actions.
What are you struggling with and wish you could talk to a friend about? What are you afraid of sharing with a male friend?
Struggle with loneliness and friends don’t really help, they just say “We’re always here for you” when, in reality, they’re emotionally uncomfortable.
I feel awkward talking about my romantic relationship, and am afraid it seems too cheesy, so I feel uncomfortable saying positive things about my relationship "Oh I really miss hugging her, waking up next to her" etc. I associate outward expressions of affection to females.
I'm not really afraid of sharing my feelings with my guy friends at all. It's really reassuring to have male friends I can confide in and be completely myself with.
Sometimes I struggle with feelings of somberness or a longing for something deeper and more meaningful in life.
I struggle with maintaining friendships especially after college. Getting caught in work and the grind to achieve financial freedom destroys my social identity. I only talk to select friends that I know that I can trust with sensitive and personal issues.
What we should be conscious of, and what we shouldn't care as much about. I don't really talk to anyone about this.
I really appreciate my friends’ willingness to be honest and candid about their struggles, showing how much more deeper someone can be than they seem. I truly wish they all have at least one person in their life they can share these thoughts with, to truly experience the ups and downs of life with someone.
What We’re Fighting Against
Now to practically figure out what needs dismantling and addressing to reach a fraction of this ideal world of mine, I wanted to know what’s holding these men back from being authentic and remain stuck in this warped interpretation of masculinity.
To what extent do societal and gender norms dictate your expressions of emotions?
Males who you see in movies and music are always portrayed as heroes and not soft, so you subconsciously want to emulate that. Especially in Asian culture, everyone doesn't talk about feelings, not limited to gender, so that emphasizes the expectation that you deal with your problems internally.
My interactions with children. I have always loved playing with kids and babies but I always felt that wasn't "manly" or acceptable. Children ministry at churches are always filled with women and even though I wanted to volunteer, I felt that I would be looked at like I was out of place.
I feel like I'm expected to be less expressive about love, pick when I can be affectionate, but i'm free to talk about my anger (though I acknowledge this can be toxic and prone to violence). I usually don't speak about my emotions but figure out ways I can let things go.
Society tells me to keep my emotions in check and be extremely stoic in every situation but with prior experience with doing so, it usually ends with me holding in my emotions and more often than not, releasing them in inappropriate situations.
Our society forces a type of self censorship upon men that they are expected to know how and when to exercise. The lack of communication, internalization of emotions, unhealthy conflict resolution, strict relationship protocols that are promoted in the media and society are ingrained into us. This leads men to believe they need to uphold this societal approved male persona, and women are led to believe these are reasonable expectations to be set for them. Though we can’t have everyone speaking without a filter and tact, our skewed standard of socially acceptable display of emotion for men is really preventing them from expressing themselves authentically. Even showing affection towards children is restrained, a feeling so precious and endearing that any person is entitled to feel and should display. When anyone keeps negative emotions in for too long and doesn’t know how to healthily express and deal with them, they turn to violence/drugs/online world/trying to escape reality, and may begin building resentment towards other people.
How Do Women Play Into This?
If we, as women, validate and encourage men’s “softer” sides, acknowledging that feeling overwhelmed, hurt, insecure and fearful are simply emotions that come along with being a human in the 21st century, normalize a new kind of “masculinity”. we can provide a healthier outlet to process them.
As much as they may not like to admit it, men need us. Our unique sensitivity to the world and people are strengths that help create nurturing communities, where people can find comfort and solace. We are more in tune with our emotions and introspective, with a greater sense of empathy. I think we should tap into these abilities more and extend an olive branch for those who are seeking permission to be themselves, so that men have the strength to normalize more “feminine” behaviors.
How have women in your life affected your view on yourself/how to be a man? How have they influenced the way you view women?
Personality has been very much shaped by my mom and sister since I interacted with them the most emotionally. It has made me a more kind, soft spoken, emotional and compassionate person. They always said I had to take care of my little sister, know how to comfort and support women, people you have a relationship with. That has influenced the way I relate to my female friends, and I'm generally comfortable being close and vulnerable with girls. I think everyone is a sexual being, but it just is whether you express it in public. People like frat guys live in a culture that openly encourages you to be an alpha and treating sex like an accomplishment and lacks intimacy.
The women in my life are supportive and empower me to accomplish my aspirations. I try to surround myself (not limited to females but with males as well) with genuine and mature women. I've always been attracted to people who are entirely comfortable with their own skin and don't adhere to society's stigma and pressure. When you are yourself, you unconsciously give others the permission to be comfortable around you.
I continuously try to improve myself towards my definition of masculinity after I feel rejected by a woman to be "good enough" to be her partner. As far as the definition of masculinity is changing, I don't think what women want in men is changing as fast, and so men might be reluctant to change with the new definition of masculine when they first meet girls. It seems like expressing emotion and fears is something to ease into.
I know how you might not feel that men deserve our sympathy or attention. I’m not asking you to forgive rapists or give catcallers a pass and ask them how they’re feeling. I simply hope we can build a more unified front towards the gender disconnect, and educate the next generation differently. Children need to learn early on how to respect one another as individuals, that there is more than one way to be a boy/girl, to be aware of the gender differences we’ll face and how to navigate them. Men are not born knowing how to objectify women, but they need to be more diligent in taking the time to educate themselves of the difficulties women face, the nuances that occur everyday, how you may be part of the problem and what you can do to fix it. There is no need to be afraid of the #MeToo movement if you are a genuine person who cares and respects women. Women can differentiate what a real compliment is and what a creepy, feeble pick up line is.
What do you wish to see for future generations in the context of masculinity, gender norms/roles and media?
As far as media, more platonic female-male friendships would be great! I was watching reruns of Friends (a show thought was about Friends) and slowly realized every cast member slept with one of the other cast members. They all slept with each other at least once by the end of ten seasons so it really tainted the purity I though the show had.
Accountability of toxic masculinity - sexual misconduct. destruction of double standards. more women in leadership - corporate and social. I guess queerness is a big one too. more conversation about "gender fluidity" and what implications it holds. Media - better representation beyond tokenism.
I can't disentangle my understanding of gender norms from my biblical understanding of how God created men and women. So might be a cop out answer, by would want to see masculinity as a reflection of how God wanted men to act.
I hope to see the diversity of masculinity in media. Masculinity should not just be pinpointed to the six foot man with the six pack and the six figures. Masculinity comes in all races, all sizes, all statuses. Masculinity is a mentality, a set of actions that can be encapsulated by infinite versions of men. Masculinity shouldn't mold the man, the man should mold masculinity.
What Next?
The growing anti-male culture is no help to us. We need to remain in conversation with the other team, so they can listen and understand us better. In my ideal world, this allegiance will empower men to speak up for us, not be afraid to call out friends who are sending each other pictures of girls they’ve hooked up with, and talk back to catcallers who women can only ignore at best. A message carries so much more weight when someone from the other side identifies the cause and fights for it too. We need to reflect deeply, feel uncomfortable, look beyond and outside of ourselves in order to reach a better level of humanity.
So ladies, let’s not shame men for being “emotional”, “sensitive” or too concerned with their appearance. Don’t use phrases like “Man up”, or brush off someone being bothered by things only girls should be. Tell him it’s perfectly okay and normal to pay attention to his skin, to feel down about a break up and miss the girl, to be struggling with anxiety, or not have his life figured out. Look closely for subtle signs of calls for help, or create the space for him to by asking intentional questions and simply listen non-judgmentally. Often times, guys don’t know how to express emotion healthily because they lack the language and courage to be honest with themselves. At the same time, when a guy friend says something that shows this toxic masculine mentality, gently tell him because chances are they don’t realize the weight of their words on others and himself. Just like how we want to embody male characteristics, we need to allow a two way street for men to feel comfortable embodying female characteristics. Let’s allow one another to adopt the strengths of the other and celebrate the efforts.
And men, please take some time and reflect upon the qualities you think make you a man. Are the masculine qualities you strongly identify with liberating and allow you to be authentic? I want to challenge you to redefine these qualities:
Are you brave enough to be vulnerable? To reach out to someone else when you need help? Dive headfirst into your shame?
Are you strong enough to be sensitive?
Are you confident enough to listen to the women in your life?
Think about how you’d want others to talk to and about your sister or mother. Beliefs and values are not contextual, so the excuse of “Oh, we’re not being serious” does not fly. We need you to support our fight against the thousands of years of patriarchy set into stone. It’s 2019 and I’m believing that you have it in your hearts to want to break this cycle and carve out a new narrative for the years to come. Let’s do this together!