Dear Summer 2018
Dear Summer 2018,
You were a hot mess, literally. I was glad that I wasn’t home for the summer this time thinking I was avoiding some excessive sweating, but boy was I proven wrong! The heat the cooks and steams my face in the subway is so uncomfortable that I can’t move, especially when I’m lucky enough to accidentally step into an unconditioned car. I could never look the way I wanted to, my bangs were plastered to my forehead unevenly, soaked in sweat. But besides the horrible weather, you were just what I needed.
I wrote down a list of goals and to-dos to waste as little time as possible. I didn’t want to come out of the summer thinking “Wait, so what did I do?” It took me a while to get started as always, but I managed to tick off some of the major boxes, this blog being the first one to check off! Got to tap back into reading for enjoyment, a regular workout routine, taking nightly walks along the Hudson… In addition to that, I finally started going to the same church regularly. My hopping had made me feel more disconnected than I already was, and though I’m uncomfortable with the whole meeting new people process, it’s something I knew I had to get over to get the community I missed.
The biggest takeaway you gave me was learning about the beauty and complexity of relationships. When you least expect for something to happen, that’s what usually hits and sticks with you the most. The first thing I had to learn was how to let a friendship go. It’s not worth going into too much detail about this, but there was someone who I held close to heart and was confused as to why our friendship ended so abruptly. He was deliberately avoiding me for reasons I will never know, and finally accepted that he has no interest in our friendship anymore. I was hung up on someone who didn’t give a shit about me, wasting my energy caring, asking the why’s and what if’s. The worst part is, even though he hurt me, I still care about him.
You helped me learn that no matter how much we might care about someone, it doesn’t mean they will or have to do the same. If I want to care about someone, I’m putting myself out there and should not expect anything or very little in return. Friendships are also not meant to last forever. I’m a firm believer that people are in your life for a certain purpose, however long that may be. I’ve learned that the duration of a friendship is out of our control, that maybe I’m not what someone needs, or that person has completed their “purpose” in my life. It’s a tough pill to swallow and of course I would love for people I care about to stay around for a long time, but things never go the way you want them to (how long have we been trying to learn that truth LOL). I don’t know if I want to know why things happened the way they did, but I’ve finally been able to close the book on this.
In the midst of this loss, I discovered how great the friends I did have and did care about me, in particular one of my best friends Ei. She always had her reservations towards the said guy above, but I ignored her concerns because I thought I knew him better than she did. Low and behold, she was the first person I texted about this to unload my hurt, confusion, anger, sadness. I thought she might’ve said “I told you he was bad!”, but she didn’t. She didn’t say anything remotely close to that. She was there for me, helping me think through the situation, affirming my feelings, checking up on me every few days. When I told her I really appreciated her being there for me, she said something that hit home “Of course! I love being a part of your life.”
It was the first time anyone has ever said that to me, and allowing someone to be a part of my life, unloading my emotions on them, letting my guard down - it takes a while. I’m usually the one people unload onto and I don’t mind that position. I always feel that I have things under control, that if I can self-soothe and see through a situation, I don’t really need to share it. But she made me realize that some people do want to love me, and the richness of my friendships can go so much deeper if I would just let people in and go through life together (Love you so much Ei!). For all the shits and giggles that life throws at us, thank you Summer 2018 for helping me learn that these are the friends worth holding on to and fighting for.
So yeah, Summer 2018, you were a good one. One with lessons that I’ll remember forever, and one that I needed to become a better person.
Love,
Alison
cover photo by Freddy Marschall on Unsplash