Dear 太婆 — nibbles and giggles

My 太婆 (great-grandma) passed suddenly on December 2nd, 2017 and I've finally taken the time to sit down and write my thoughts about her passing. I took this picture with a film camera and developed it myself 4 years ago. It's probably one of my favorite pictures I've ever taken to date.

You were the glue of our family. You always carried yourself with such poise and grace, so it’s comical to me that such a small lady would love roast beef so much. You were the most stylish and tech-savvy 92-year old, sending audio messages of well wishes and your hair always brushed and tied in a bun and secured with a beautiful clip.

Every time we spoke, you would remind me that family is and will always be there for each other. Despite all of us living in 3 separate countries, we made it a priority to nurture and develop our relationships during annual reunions because of how much you treasured time with us. Every time the family was together, I could see the sparkle in your eye and how happy and at peace you felt.

It was just last week that we spoke via FaceTime, when you kept asking when I was coming back. I assured you it would only be another month and we’d all be reunited before you knew it. I was prepared to go over for tea, play with your beloved Mimi, be stuffed with biscuits and share about my most recent experiences in NYC. Even in your old age, I hardly sensed fear from you because you knew where you were going. You frequently shared of God’s faithfulness and the many reasons to be thankful for how He’s blessed us.

What I would do to hear you say “Ahh 妹妹!!” with a smile, feel your small hands on my face, drink 港式奶茶 (Hong Kong milk tea), share a crépe or be offered my 4th piece of shrimp spring roll again, it truly makes my heart ache. 太婆, thank you for caring and loving me as best you could for 21 years, I can’t wait to see you again.

Love,
妹妹

It’s 10pm. I sit down and get ready to play a card game at my friend’s birthday party when my phone screen lights up. It’s a message from mom. Clicking into it with a shaky finger, hoping I had read the preview incorrectly… I tried to swallow the words I was reading that 太婆 suffered from a heart attack and was in ICU. I had to read it three times to make sure I wasn’t in a dream. Immediately my mind started racing and I called Jason. Tears streamed down my face the instant that I heard my brother’s voice. 太婆 was slowly slipping through our fingers as every minute passed. This was bound to happen one day; she was 92 after all. But the fact that death could creep up on us like that, how this was finally reality, I felt so helpless.

I was SO excited to go home for Christmas because so many of us were going back this year. (Side note: We have an extended family of 40+ people, living in various parts of the world, but are close enough that I don’t think of them as “extended”). Christmas is my favorite holiday because family is the most important thing to me and I’m so happy when I’m in everyone’s company. I really wanted to document this holiday properly on video because I knew time was running out with her and we needed something to hold on to. Photos are great, but they don’t capture someone’s voice, presence and aura, all the characteristics when you think of someone and how they made you feel. And now this would only remain a thought.

I was sitting in the hallway this whole time and honestly didn’t pray too hard. I felt there was no point in fighting God and asking to keep her alive. My mind was racing and blank at the same time. I just felt shocked, speechless, helpless, yet calm at the same time. The biggest comfort to me was that I knew where she was going, no doubt about it. And it was the reality of never seeing someone ever again, never hearing their voice, never sharing a moment together, all the definitive never-s that really smacked me in the face.

An immense amount of regret and sorrow began to settle in. Regret that I didn’t try harder to ask deeper questions and get to know more about her. Regret that I didn’t have better Chinese skills to express and share more about who I was. Regret that I didn’t note down the stories she shared during our tea sessions because now I don’t remember them very well. I was crushed that the opportunity to hug her, to see her slowly walk into the room, have her constantly offer me tea and cookies was gone, and would never ever come back.

At 2am, 太婆 went to be with God.

Even one year later, it still breaks me to even write that sentence. Despite there being comfort within the pain, the pain is still there. You can prepare all you want or can for death, the moment, the call, the text, but when it actually happens, you’re like a deer in headlights. This was my second encounter with death of someone close to me and I don’t anticipate it getting any easier. Each person you have a relationship with, you let them occupy a part of your heart (at least I do) and try to enter each other’s world. You invest in the relationship and water the seed every time you meet, hoping that it will grow into something beautiful. There are a lot of things that can go wrong in this process but that’s for another post.

Now when death enters the picture, the part that was occupied is now a hole, empty and can’t be filled again the same way that person did. You won’t feel the same way when someone else says a sentence he/she normally would. No one else will care for you the way that person did. I think grieving is a time to reconcile with the fact that things will not be the same and you must try to welcome the new normal. Trying to find things to conceal that truth by ignoring it or telling yourself otherwise won’t help you fully heal. I struggled with the regret, the definitive nature of death, the loneliness, the fear of it happening to someone closer…

This experience woke me up to really pay attention to my current relationships and evaluate which ones I’m still blessed to be in. It brought my attention back to God and acknowledge His power and timing over everything. I had been praying for him to “break” me in some way so that I would wake up. Maybe this was it. I won’t know for sure, but I know I grew and want to love on others harder (also will be addressed in another post). Relationships are our biggest blessings and downfalls, but they are what make our human experience real. There will always be more you can do for and say to someone. There is no way of escaping the regret that sets in afterwards. The only thing you can do in the present is be who you want to be for someone without holding back so you know you did what you could when you had the chance. You are never guaranteed a next time.