She's Such An Introvert
"I'm sorry I can't, I'm really tired."
Whether you've had to use this as an excuse or disclaimer of why you are the way you are, there's always a negative connotation to it. Are you always asked "Are you okay?" just because you're quiet? Do you have to mentally prepare yourself for social gatherings, thinking about what you should say or how to act? Do you find it hard to think in a group? Naturally, people think introverts are hermit crabs who hate people, want to be alone, don't like to talk and are boring. I'm not exaggerating when I say I spend at least 60% of my free time at home or alone. At the end of the day, I can't wait to go home, not speak to anyone and slowly wind through my thoughts in my head. Having said that, I still love hanging out with my close friends and family. I love going to karaoke and being silly, and would like to think I'm fun to be with.
Instead of feeling that my introversion was a barrier, I wanted it to feel like an asset to what I want to achieve in life. With that, I present Quiet by Susan Cain. Her words were truly comforting and insightful to this "weird" way of life.
We currently live in the age of the value system of "Extrovert Ideal", of which the ideal self is to be alpha, comfortable in the spotlight, always puts themselves out there and isn't afraid to speak their mind. Thus, introversion is seen as a second-class personality trait. So much of our lives is now designed to fit the "Extrovert Ideal" with numerous group projects, open offices, group learning, all in support for high levels of stimulation. Even at church, the "greet your neighbour" segment may seem harmless, but it feeds into the extroverted-focused environment.
Society wasn't always like this. Cultural historian Warren Susman identified the shift from the "Culture of Character" to a "Culture of Personality". In the "Culture of Character", the ideal self was to be serious, disciplined and honourable. How someone behaved in private mattered just as much as the impression made in public. Can you imagine trying to be proper 24/7? The word "personality" didn't exist in English until the 18th century and the idea of "having a good personality" wasn't widespread until the 20th century. Now in the "Culture of Personality", we focus on how people perceive us and are captivated by people who are bold and entertaining. By 1920s, self-help guides began to focus on inner virtue to outer charm because creating personality was powerful. Words you would often find in these books before were "duty, honour, morals, integrity, manners". Come 20th century and you'll find "magnetic, attractive, dominant, energetic" as key traits to aspire towards.
“Shyness is the fear of social disapproval or humiliation, while introversion is a preference for environments that are not overstimulating. ”
Amongst the many things that sparked "ah-ha" moments in her book, I wanted to highlight 3 topics she addressed: cultural differences of personality values, plasticity of personality and the distinct strengths of introverts.
Cultural Differences
When you live in NYC, go to school with Western educated peers and watch Western media, it doesn't take long to notice that in order to get ahead here, you have to know how to socialize, have a good conversation, speak up and "sell yourself". I've often been in class listening to a classmate go on and on about something, using expressions to sound like he/she was saying something of substance, but in reality could've been summed up in one sentence. It's never occurred to me to speak for the sake of speaking, or getting that "participation" check. I know I needed to in order to be noticed, but I always thought there was no point in speaking (especially in class) unless it was something that would drive the discussion somewhere.
Thankfully, Cain also realizes how this tendency is connected to our Asian cultural upbringing, where "conversation is about how effective you are at turning your experiences into stories, whereas a Chinese person might be concerned with taking up too much of the other person's time with inconsequential information." Our attitude towards spoken word is that talking is for communicating necessary information. The emphasis on the power of words and how they shouldn't be carelessly thrown around tends to result in quietness and more introspection. We also focus more on moral virtues and achievements, unlike the emphasis on sociability in the West. Given these two main factors of cultural conditioning, it's no wonder that Asians feel they are falling behind in America because they don't have quite the right cultural style for getting ahead. I'm not going to even touch the topic of gender in this reality because you'd be reading on forever. The internal struggle of assimilating to this particular aspect of American culture, especially in the workplace is very taxing to say the least. You have to rewire yourself to thinking that being sensitive and reticent are not coveted traits, and doing the opposite is what will get you where you want to be.
While I'm all for improving yourself and getting out of your comfort zone, I think it is important for extroverts to realize the mental/emotional energy expenditure and cultural dissonance that is required to assimilate into American culture. I can rant on and on about how much I disliked a college professor for forcing us to evaluate our verbal participation in EVERY class, like we were middle school. Anyway, my point is please just try to be more understanding of where introverted people are coming from, especially Asian ones.
plasticity of personality
We've all heard the self-help advice towards fear of judgement and relationships to "just be yourself" or "be your most authentic self". Though I use this advice, they can sometimes be empty arbitrary words. How do I know if I'm really acting "myself"? Yes, the answer may be to spend time alone and/or be mindful of your thoughts and reactions to life situations as you go through them. But my question is whether to be considered "myself", do I have to show all sides or is only showing a certain side of you not being authentic? Take the way we act with our parents compared to our friends as an example. With parents, we may be more respectful, act more immature/mature, might be more "tame" or be completely natural because you've known them your whole life. With friends, depending who the crowd is, we may act more "cool", trying to fit in with the vibe of the crew, adopting a role as the "jokester" or "mother". So with the part that you are omitting of your "self", does that mean I'm not fully being me?
Cain introduces us to the "Person-Situation Debate", which centers around the question of whether fixed personality traits really exist, or do they shift according to the situation in which people find themselves? If you are on the "person" side, you'll argue that core personality traits exist, are based on physiological mechanisms and stay stable across a lifespan. If you are a "situationist", you'll say that there is no core self, but only various selves of situations XYZ. Perhaps the best place to be in this debate is the middle. It's inevitable that we act slightly out of character or accentuate one aspect depending on situation, but the multi-dimensional nature of humans is what makes us so fascinating! So no, I don't think omitting a part of you is being unauthentic, it's being mindful and considerate of the other person, but only do it to the extent of your own comfort.
strengths of introverts
I'm going to power through these with short explanations because I don't think you can read much more.
1. Think before we act: We like to digest information thoroughly, stay on tasks longer, give up less easily and work more accurately. The act of thinking or what some may call "inaction" is what helps us make more informed decisions and stay focused. The longer you pause to process surprising or negative feedback, the more likely you are to learn from it.
2. Our sensitivity to nuances and emotions: Sometimes I really dislike how sensitive I am because it causes me to feel unnecessary hurt or disappointment. Over time I've learned to build up thicker skin and have things roll off my back more, but I realize that the qualities that I do like about myself stem from my ability to be extra sensitive and empathetic. By being sensitive, I'm able to be effective with kids, I can tell how someone is feeling without them spelling it out, I (usually) say the right thing at the right time and pick out the underlying issue of the surface problem. If you can do this as well, know it really does not come naturally to others and you should hold on to this unique trait.
3. We know how to listen: Due to our inclination to listen to others and lack of interest in dominating social situations, we are more likely to hear and implement suggestions. Listening isn't simply the absence of talking, it is gathering information, seeing things from the other person's perspective, then sharing a reaction that is contextually appropriate, and making the other person feel heard. Sounds easy, but I'm sure you know the feeling of "not being heard" all too often.
So to my fellow introverts: Use your natural powers of persistence, concentration, insight and sensitivity to do work you love, work that matters and to love on others. Extroverts are lucky to have you.