Dear 2019
I don’t think I’ll ever forget you.
I started off the year wanting to push my boundaries, to do things that I normally wouldn’t do, to live in the present, to just “be young”. I wanted to see how far I could let my heart go and test my limits of sanity. Was that a wise decision? Probably wasn’t the smartest, but it was necessary to learn the lesson I needed to lead a happier and more peaceful life.
It all started with someone who seemed harmless. I wanted to stop thinking logically for once and went along with something that I knew wouldn’t last, but at least I could say I tried right? My curiosity into modern love led me to experience feelings that cannot be reasoned. And when romanticization is mixed with deep-seated insecurities, you have a recipe for nights spent listening to NSYNC and JJ Lin, and many walks along the river. I don’t think you’ve lived in New York until you’ve experienced some version of heartbreak… the kind where you become a character in your favorite rom-com and try to play out the moments that left you starry eyed on the couch, and then you wake up to the sound of your breath trying to save your heart from drowning in tears.
The questions I still have won’t be answered because the answer doesn’t matter as it’s irrelevant to the conclusion. What happened was inevitable, I just tried to delay it. I lied to myself about so many things and I’m most gutted about letting myself down, allowing fear and insecurity to control me. A lie I believed in for at least 10 years polluted my mind and kept me in a space that physically and emotionally drained me. I honestly thought I had conquered it, but I was never tested in the right way to measure my healing progress. Sure enough, this was the slap in the face that I needed to face my issues straight on and I’m so grateful for it.
When you want to blame yourself for the situation, hating yourself over why you didn’t stand up for yourself earlier and putting yourself through so much unnecessary pain, you’re forced to experience a new facet of self-love. Self-love revealed itself to mean allowing yourself to hurt, truly feel and validate each emotion. It means being patient with the process it takes to learn a lesson that requires so much conscious rewiring of mental and emotional responses. It means falling down, looking at the scratches, but putting the crown back on and getting back up. Self-love is forgiving yourself for the times you denied yourself peace and happiness, and having the courage and strength to find it within again because you remember who the hell you are. And most importantly, self love is learning to trust yourself again.
It’s so easy to be angry and blame the other person for all the things that could’ve been done differently. But that’s still giving the person and situation energy, the wrong kind, that should be saved for yourself. That’s not forgiveness or closure. Hurt comes from unmet expectations, pride, miscommunication, unresolved trauma, and unaligned purposes. Whether we intend to or not, we will get hurt and hurt others. I’m trying to learn the healthy way of moving on from a situation is to be able to see a face that triggers pain, but to choose to remember the smiles it brought you, and then truly wish him/her well. Anything good that’s meant to be in your life shouldn’t be forced, it will simply come and stay. And I want to choose to only focus and hold onto the good.
Nothing is a waste of time because every experience will have a lesson. Choosing words wisely and speaking about the experience in a certain way will form your attitude towards it. So with that, thank you 2019 for the way you tested my confidence, values, and self-worth, I love the person I’m becoming because of it.
Love,
Alison