Dear Frankie

I tried writing this letter many times and had to keep pausing because I’m still in disbelief that you won’t actually get to read it. I found the letter you wrote me before we left for college, telling me how much I meant to you and it brought me to tears thinking about how deep and genuine our friendship was. Guy-girl relationships can get so complicated these days, but we were simply like brother and sister who had each other’s back for life. 

On June 12, I woke up that morning unusually early, feeling uneasy for reasons that I couldn’t pinpoint. I thought it was just one of those bad days, hormones getting the best of me, overthinking things that happened the day before. I went to try and run off the tension, maybe I could run away from whatever was weighing me down… As I ran in and out of rain clouds, the heaviness never left me, rather it sunk in even deeper.

Later that night, I was sitting in the taxi on the way home from dinner with friends, I got a call from Nick. His quivering voice made my heart beat fast, I thought I’d have to console him for a sudden breakup, and once he muttered those 3 words, my world came crashing down.

I don’t think I’ve ever cried harder in my life: the kind when your whole body is shaking, you’re struggling to breathe, you’re wailing so much that your throat hurts the next day, and you repeat those words over and over that you never thought you’d ever say aloud. You were always supposed to be there, Frankie. I always thought you’d be there… like you said you would be.

During the first few weeks, I felt weak, numb, exhausted from crying every few hours, like the world was spinning around me but all I could do was sit and stare into the distance, hoping that something or someone would catch my heart. I went in and out of a states of shock, laughing with friends to distract myself then to instantly drop to a low once I was alone. I’ve struggled to make your memorial book because looking at pictures of you and the guys for more than an hour triggers the tears. I’ve had little to no motivation to do anything productive and fall into the depths of these emotions. I’ve felt so guilty about how I could’ve been a better friend. I’ve felt confusion and deep sorrow over how alone, desperate and painful you felt. I’ve felt anger towards God for allowing this to happen, for this to be your fate. I’ve felt so helpless wishing you could see yourself the way everyone saw you. I’ve felt defeated learning how cruel life can be to take away such a beautiful person at such a young age.

I stare out over my balcony and see the slope that we used to meet up at to carpool to school together, see Highcliff where we’d chill after school, see the spots we’d meet up for DMCs… Remember how we’d go to Nick’s for Stubbs Club potluck dinners, help each other film and act for ridiculous class assignments, or “study” for exams but end up just watching hours of Youtube? Remember all the hours we spent rehearsing for “The Imaginators”? Remember when I took you to that spot under the flyover to tell you this is where I’d go if I wanted to escape? I kind of want to go there right now.

We looked like an unusual pair, but a bond like ours only comes once in a lifetime. To have had you as one of my best friends has been the greatest gift. You were a source of security, comfort and encouragement. You were so talented, creative, funny, stylish, full of zest, kind, loyal, fun, silly and one of a kind. You had such a tough looking exterior but inside you were such a softie. You always supported my changes. You would always say how proud you were of me, encourage me to get out of my comfort zone, and remind me of the person I am when I felt down. You always said I helped you more than you could do for me, but I truly wouldn’t be who I am today if it weren’t for you.

You were the reason why I stuck around with the boys. Your presence made me feel safe, especially when being amongst 10 guys. Thank you for being one of the ones to invite me into the group. Since your passing, the boys and I have had a few Zoom calls together. It was so nice seeing everyone again, especially since I haven’t seen many of them in a long time. Everyone’s been hit really hard, some express it more than others, but I know everyone’s hurting. You were our glue. I don’t talk much, I kind of like sitting back and listening to all them talk, it takes me back to how it was in highschool. You know how we’d sometimes just give each other looks when something was said, I think that’s how I knew we were tight. 

I’ll always remember you to be the first boy who’s ever held the door for me and always let me walk first. I thought it was such unusual behavior at the time, you were such a gentleman early on. Frankie, you’ve been nothing short of a selfless, thoughtful and genuine friend every day that I’ve known you. Like the time when you asked Olivia to meet me because you knew I was lonely and struggling in NYC during freshman year, or the time you gifted me an Angrybird as an apology when it was Toby who made me cry on my birthday, or the time you took an expensive Uber ride to the art museum in Boston just to spend an hour with me, or the time you came to the city last minute to watch Hasan Minhaj because I couldn’t find anyone else to come with. Last year, you only had one night to be in NYC. It was my birthday and though karaoke is the last thing you would've wanted to do, especially with a room of strangers, you still came and stayed the whole time. It made me so incredibly happy and it’s one of the most treasured memories I have of me, you and Nick together. 

Never in a million years could I ever know our last moment and last memory together was what it was- the trip you and James took to visit me in NY. I’m quite sad we didn’t end up going to a comedy club or jazz bar, but at least I got to take you to one of my favorite restaurants! Then we braved the rain to get to a rooftop bar, and you insisted on sleeping on the couch that was half your size because you would never kick me outta my own bed, and spoiled James by letting him sleep on the extra mattress.

I keep looking for your name in the “likes” of my Instagram photos, our chats on different apps… I’ve gone back to look at our conversations over the years and screenshotted many bits so that I can remember the things you’d say that represent who you were. How I wish I’d see your name light up on my screen one more time… I had a dream two days ago that your whole family came over for dinner, we were hanging in my room chatting and laughing and when it was time for you to leave, I just instinctively woke up because I don’t think I ever want to have to say goodbye. 

Frankie, when I think about a world without you, I’m honestly still at a loss for words. I look out the balcony and am reminded every day of the simple and happy days we had growing up together. There are so many things that words can’t describe about your presence and how you made us feel. I’ll miss you calling me Arrison, ask if I need cranberry juice, be worried about you snapping your finger off when you do your “Respek” thing, be teased and embarrassed by you in public, coach me through guy problems no matter how trivial or overthought they are (I’m bothering Nick with all of mine now oops hahahah), shake my head at your crazy stories, watch you type with only 4 fingers, make that smacking sound with your mouth to make a silence awkward, and most of all your laugh that can light up any room.  

Sometimes things in life make no sense. This is one of them. A part of me is gone, as I literally felt it that morning, and I know I will continue to think of you every day. I will wish we had one more conversation, one more laugh, one more hug. I wish I could’ve checked up on you more, told you again how much you mean to me, help you see what I saw in you. Depression is a monster, and you fought so, so hard buddy. I know you did and I’m so proud of how hard you tried. I wish so badly that you got the help you needed to defeat it completely.

The only thing I can really take comfort in is knowing that we had such a good run together, a beautiful 11 year friendship that I wouldn’t change a thing about. You were taken from us way too soon, but for every person you came across, and in everything you did, you were light. Thank you Frankie, from the bottom of my heart, for being here and touching all of our hearts so deeply. I know you love us so, so much and will continue to watch over us as you did when you were here. Your light and laughter will remain with me always. The boys and I promise to continue your legacy. I will love and miss you forever Campéon 🤍