So Why Did You Major in Education?

I went into this education major without much direction.. I liked kids, thought they were cute, it seemed fun and there wasn’t anything else I was dying to study. One fateful night as I was writing my college apps, I randomly decided to search "teach" in the dictionary, hoping it would give me some inspiration. And it was like a God-sent message that I saw this: 

There were 3 details that made this too good to be a mere coincidence.
1. The spelling of "Alison" (it's usually spelt "Allison" because US English takes over everything)
2. That I was teaching small children (could've been teenagers or simply children, but I was applying for an early childhood program at NYU) 
3. And the tense of teach was present
Surprisingly I didn't include that in my supplements or personal statement, but it was something I took as a "sign" that this was the route I should attempt to embark on. 

As I started, I had so much self-doubt. When everyone was talking about how hard their course work was and I shared how I was coming up with games to teach kids about shapes, I was met with a "What, that sounds so easy!" Some might count that as being lucky, but I took that as "You're taking the easy route out and not challenging yourself." These thoughts then rolled into “Why would you come all the way to NYU to learn how to teach babies? You could've saved a lot of money by going to Toronto to study the same thing." I began to fall victim towards the misconceptions and general disrespect people have towards a teaching career, questioning the value of this education and how I was wasting my time.

After I started student teaching, I realized how difficult, tiring and yet rewarding teaching was. I saw how much the children relied on their teacher to guide and nurture them. The relationship between teacher and student was so beautiful and powerful, and it's honestly different when you're finally on the other side. And once I began to respect the profession myself, I was met with more self-doubt (as I always do) - “What could you offer these kids?” The early mornings, the constant noise and repetition of instructions, being pulled in 10 different directions at once... it felt quite overwhelming for me. On top of that, I was piling pressure upon myself to change these kids' lives in some way and ended up really disliking it because I would go in with a defeated attitude. 

Going into senior year, I prayed that I would have a better placement and enjoy the experience, to not go into school grudgingly every day (my recent teacher was so boring and monotonous, even I wouldn't sit on the carpet and listen to her for 15 minutes). I wanted to give teaching another chance. Sure enough, God answered my prayer beyond what I could've imagine. 

He placed me in a 2nd grade ICT classroom with the best teachers, one with an incomprehensible amount of patience and the other with infectious energy. Initially, I was nervous on how to approach the mixed classroom of special needs students and general education students. But the kids touched my heart in ways I didn’t realize they could. I grew to love each one of them dearly, getting to know their stories and unique personalities. Their "disability" was simply a context of their being, and did not define them as a person. My flow of patience seemed to come out of a place I didn’t know existed. Having said that, there many times when I was counting down the minutes until dismissal, and didn’t want to get out of bed. But the smallest moments of seeing a kid unpack by himself without any reminders, or not having to use a reward to get another to sit still and try out an activity, or watching one kindly invite another outcasted student into their group made me so, so unbelievably happy. 

Sometimes I’d sit in silence amongst the chaos and thought about the harsh realities in life they would have to learn and experience, or even the ones that might even perpetuate societal issues… We had a school shooting lockdown drill that almost had me in tears. And yet I know there's just so much I could do to protect and prepare them for the world. Kids need a cheerleader, a friend, a role model, an advocate, all in addition to a teacher. It is a lot of roles to play, and the responsibility to raise these children the “right” way is overwhelmingly difficult. Being a perfectionist, I don’t think I’m cut out for classroom teaching because I never want to feel like I've "failed" them. I also find it extremely exhausting to have constant human interaction for 6 hours straight. However, I am confident in saying that I will dedicate my life to helping, educating and enriching the lives of the little ones because they need us. 

I'm lucky that I ended up liking what I chose, but I didn't follow through with the intended goal of the program (to become a certified NY teacher). Do I regret it? A small part of me does, but a bigger part of me knows that this was the right path. I've constantly questioned my purpose and my blessings, and every time I'm led back to the answer of education and children. Only time will tell where this calling leads me~